A Practical Guide to Witchcraft
The following is a somewhat comprehensive guide to African Wi-Fi
It has come to my attention that white people, particularly those in Europe, which no longer practices on a large scale do not believe in witchcraft; though it be fact as it is that diseases (like sickle cell) can be racist. I, in my eternal benevolence, have decided to illuminate your ignorance with a guide to witchcraft. It will keep you safe in Africa, as well as ensure that you are up to speed with the products available, should you require to solve someone using ‘African Wi-Fi’.
In Ndebele there is ‘umthakathi’ and ‘inyanga’. The former is a witch/wizard, basically the bad-guy, while the latter is the good guy. A wizard usually flies around naked, riding ant-bears, hyenas, or other people in their sleep. If for example you have slept one night, only to wake up more tired than you were when you went to bed, you have been ridden in your sleep. Other contraptions of flight include melons (ukhomane) and winnowing baskets. In Zimbabwe, premium flying baskets are made in Chimanimani (Roy Bennet’s hood). Naturally we have no electronic means of contact for the manufacturers, but as their self-appointed representative I will be contacting Boeing to try and set up an international franchise. I believe flying baskets are the future: noiseless with low to zero carbon emissions (depending on how much beans one consumes before take-off).
While we anticipate that many will be very welcoming of such an advancement, please be warned that there are several NFZs, that’s ‘no-fly-zones’, mostly occurring over the homes of ‘powerful’ men. Crash-landings are a common occurrence in such areas. These can be very inconvenient, not only by delaying your urgent business which caused you to fly off in the middle of the night in a basket, but also because for reasons I am yet to understand one is required to fly naked. The rulebook says any form of witchcraft should be performed in the nude, so my dear European counterparts, should you encounter a nude somebody in your yard during the night, he might be more than a nocturnal streaker. Once large-scale production and distribution begins, we will make arrangements to have warning beacons placed over NFZs. We will also inform our customers of international regulations on basket-flying, countries like Swaziland have specific restrictions on height (150 metres in said country).
An ‘umthakathi’ is one in possession of supernatural powers but chooses not to use them in the greater interest of mankind but for the fulfilment of his own nefarious designs. Should one piss him off, one can expect a swift response in the form of an ass-kicking from a goblin hit-squad, or lightning of the manmade variety which has been known to emanate from clear azure skies. Other forms of retaliation or aggression include inflictions of insanity, calamity or even untimely death. If one develops a mysterious wound that won’t heal, one has most likely received a goblin-ass-whooping, see details on recourse below.
Should one be struck by malady and has reason to suspect that he has been a victim of remote gymnastics, or that a relative has met a premature and ‘arranged’ end, recourse can be found by visiting a nyanga, who must be viewed as the good-guy because while in possession of the same knowledge of other-worldly tai-chi as the mthakathi, chooses instead to be a mercenary of justice, or aggression when the price is right. A nyanga can divine the exact cause of the affliction, or why your kid has gone insane, probably because your neighbour is jealous that he, your son, sends you groceries from South Africa every month while his, the neighbour’s, never sends anything but is only seen – him and his gold tooth – whenever the magumaguma catch up with him and deport him back to Zimbabwe.
An nyanga can issue an RTS, that’s Return To Sender. He can also tell you if your loved one is not really dead but being kept in someone’s granary to be used as a goblin. Simultaneous funerals, that is two people dying one after the other in the same locality, are often linked to RTS strikes, the second to go is usually responsible for the death of the first and justice has been served. It is usually the case when the second does not die alone but with members of his whole family. It is advised, when retaliating, to nuke the whole tribe as a pre-emptive precaution, as you know, tribal wars in Africa can get pretty ugly, see what the Tutsi and Hutsi did to each other? And that was just over the shape of a nose!
Other services provided by nyangas include penis enlargement, general necromancy and séances, vagina narrowing, ibiza-biza (literally translated to call-call, a love charm to make one irresistible to women), muti for making one invincible in fisticuffs, money-snakes, and football juju. We are working on getting Lionel Messi to endorse a special brand, in exchange for the 2018 World Cup.
One of the most sought-after products is the Wife-Locker®. This is mostly used by injiva, or South African expatriates who leave their wives at home in search of wealth in Johannesburg. It ensures her fidelity in your absence, and its increased popularity has significantly contributed to the decline of HIV/AIDS prevalence. We are not at liberty to issue statistics because 93% of statistics are made up on the spot. Note however, that the Wife-Locker® is not a vault to lock your wife inside; that would be primitive. It is not a chastity belt either but a padlock or an okapi (not the antelope with the schizophrenic appearance, but the penknife) which once doctored, ensures that any man who adulterously penetrates your wife will get stuck until the knife is opened or the padlock unlocked. Watch this video for a demonstration.
Thank you for your reading, I hope this guide has been of great assistance. Should you have further enquiries do not Google or look for a website, practitioners are not really into that sort of thing.