Zimbabwe: Of legendary academic prowess!

Since last week I have very, very angry. Angry all the way to hell and back! As the only ISO-certified super-patriot in Zimbabwe, I have been fuming and stewing because it is my patriotic duty to get angry on behalf of the First Family… His Excellency President Robert Mugabe—whom the Russians this week aptly described as a legend—and his dear wife Cde—now Dr—Grace.

Silly Zimbabweans just make me so, so angry!

How could they laugh, laugh and laugh the way they did when it was importantly announced that our lovely First Lady—the “humble Queen”—had successfully sashayed her way up the slippery academic ladder? That was rude, rude and rude beyond rude! How do these people feel at their homes when they say or do something that they feel is very important and their children just laugh? These are the same people who laugh, laugh and laugh when the President says something important… like when he tells us that United States President Barack Obama is scared of him; when he tries to convince us that our moribund economy is on a rebound; or when he promises to jail corrupt members of his party and government! These uncultured Zimbos—whom the President has correctly labelled “totem-less”—just laugh, laugh and laugh as if this is a laughing country!

What particularly made me so livid was that this time around they were not just laughing, but asking very infantile questions as well. “How can someone whom it took eight solid years to fail a threadbare Bachelor’s degree suddenly enter the Guinness Book of Records for completing a doctorate degree inside two months?” these moronic Zimbos asked. And laughed, laughed and laughed themselves sick!

From the way they ask and laugh, it is quite obvious that they have concluded that someone is up to some mischief somewhere. By so doing, they are effectively casting aspersions on the integrity not only of their God-given leadership, but also of the university in question. How dare they!

These are the same people who have been asking a lot of questions and complaining a lot… he-eh the owners of the country are looting everything from farms to farming inputs, to diamonds, to the 51 percent shareholding being seized from foreign-owned companies, to graves at the national Heroes Acre, to our freedom, to anything “lootable” and now this smash and grab operation has been extended to the University of Zimbabwe where degrees are being looted at PhD level. This is not true! Our First Lady is a born genius, and she has just proved in a practical way that she is indeed an intellectual heavyweight… don’t they say birds of the same feather fly together? It is therefore not surprising at all that our legendary President—who himself is “feared” to have over half a dozen hard-earned degrees, plus more than a dozen honorary degrees—chose her to complement him in his leadership duties!

Our current leader with our next leader? Why not, since both are loved by all patriots.

Unless we have been lied to that our clenched-jaw First Lady was done with her Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) degree in the Faculty of Social Studies at the prestigious University of Zimbabwe in a record time, then it is only understandable that our detractors in the West are not too impressed… and have therefore hired some runner-boys locally to try and discredit her achievements. They know that as soon as she sashays her way to the top echelons of the ruling party at the December congress—and automatically government thereafter—she could repeat the same “miracle” by turning the country’s economy—blighted by “illegal sanctions imposed by the West”—around in a matter of weeks!

It is mischievously claimed that Cde Dr Grace pulled out of a Bachelor of Arts (English) degree programme that she was undertaking with the University of London after attaining a string of dismal results in eight years. Patriots like myself will never believe this… it does not need a rocket scientist to tell us that the British became jealous and decided to sabotage her academic endeavours… realising this, she took advantage of her husband’s “Look East” policy to effortlessly pick up a degree in Chinese language.

While we are not informed when and where she might have done her Masters degree—information which we are not entitled to anyway!—who doesn’t know that it is not uncommon for highly intelligent students to skip some classes? What we certainly know is that around the middle of this year, our extremely talented First Lady enrolled for her doctorate degree… and she did justice to in no time! She is now raring to go, for her the sky is the limit.

Instead of queuing up to ask silly questions, these Zimbos should instead be rejoicing that Cde Dr Grace, who has been understudying the great leader for decades now, will ensure that the country is always in a safe pair of hands, that is in the unlikely event that something untoward happens, or if the indefatigable leader decides to rest.

The fact here is that whether our detractors like it or not, our leaders are high achievers… this they surely admit in the private forum of their conscience, never mind what they say in public.

The consolation is that there are still many like myself, who haven’t misplaced their patriotism (yet). Already full-page, full colour adverts have started rolling in to congratulate Amai—our mother—on this “historic achievement”. The same public companies, local authorities and government departments, some of which have gone for several months without paying their workers, would not think twice in joining the stampede in queuing to book expensive advertising space or time in the media to fawningly congratulate Amai, the way they have been doing year in year out when the President turns another year wiser! It is part of their patriotic duty to do so.

As a patriot, my main fear is that if this “unAfrican” trend of citizens increasingly distrusting their God-given leaders is left unchecked, very soon we might end up being another South Africa, where the President cannot concentrate on the important business of running the country (down) because he is busy trying to dodge silly questions from every piddling nobody in the country.